Tates memorial ticker

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Friday, July 1, 2011

I have kinda been putting off writing this post because I don't want to sound so negative, but I'm hoping by writing my feelings down will help me feel better.

This week has hit me so hard and it's only Wednesday. I think the numbness has worn off, and I'm experiencing all the pain of losing Tate again. Everything hurts so bad like I'm feeling it for the first time all over again. Every time I see anything that reminds me of him, Or I see a mother with her baby, or an expectant mother who is having a boy it kills me inside. I feel so robbed to have only had such a small amount of time with my baby. I only got to hold him for a few hours and I just don't see how its fair at all! I just want my baby back.

Everyone says that I'm handling it all so well and I'm so strong. The truth is I'm barely hanging on. I wish they could see inside of me, I'm falling apart. I feel like a part of me is missing and I'm putting on an act for everyone. I try so hard to pretend that I'm dealing with all of this pain. I try to pretend when people make comments to me that they are helping and not digging the knife deeper into my heart. Not a lot people know what its like to hold your baby and know that you have to give him up. I want to scream at some people who complain about being pregnant or about there babies. They have no idea what they have. I would give anything to have Tate back with me right now.

I had to get all of these feelings out of me. I've heard time is the best healer, I'm sure i'll be back to being positive in no time. I just needed to vent and stop pretending for a second.


  1. You are all of those things people say...Strong, amazing and awesome! Lots of other hurting moms can read these words and feel the same. Your not alone and sometimes raw words of emotion and not being fake can help get through those hard times. Love ya Chels and I am grateful for you and your strength. I dont just say that trying to make you feel better. I KNOW that and pray you see your strength soon. All those moms that complain about what we would die for are not strong enough.....and could never go through what you go through.

  2. You are amazing. You have to feel these pains, it's all apart of the healing process. And it's so good to get it out. So many woman, including myself, have experienced these pains. They need to hear that they are not alone, and that it's so normal to feel all of these things. You are strong, beautiful, spiritual, and will be an amazing mother one day. To Tate and other babies. Stay close to the Lord, and trust in Him. I love ya!