Tates memorial ticker

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Monday, July 25, 2011

First of many letters to Tate

Dear Tate,
It's been two months since your dad and I said goodbye to you. These last eight weeks have been the hardest two months of my life so far. You taught us so much in the short time we had you here with us, and you're still teaching us so many things everyday. When I found out that I was expecting you I knew I loved you more than anything. I felt an instant bond with you. I could tell you had a personality already, just by watching you in the ultra sounds and feeling you wiggle inside me. I couldn't wait to meet you and get to know everything about you. I knew that you were a very special spirit of our heavenly fathers, and that he had a plan for you on this earth. I'm still learning everyday just how your life has influenced us. I'm trying to be patient with myself and all of the emotions that I experience as I try to let my heart heal. I miss you so much, but I understand that this is a part of Heavenly Fathers plan for us and we both agreed to this so long ago. I have felt your spirit near me at times and I know that you're watching over us! I feel like your helping your dad and me each day. You're a reminder to us of what we are working towards and what we need to be doing each day so that we can have you forever. I feel honored that heavenly father trusts us to be your parents. You're a perfect spirit and a perfect example to us. I am so grateful for the time we had with you and I am looking forward to the day that I see you again! I'll love you forever.

Love, Mommy

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Gone Too Soon

I recently started reading this book that my mom's visiting teacher gave to me. I started to read the first page the day she gave it to me, which was almost a month ago. I read the first two lines, which started out with a man making a comment to a women who had just lost her baby by saying you didn't even know the baby, he was just a blob of cells. I immediately started to cry and slammed the book shut. I get so tired of hearing people make stupid thoughtless comments. It hit way too close to home. To people who make these crazy comments, I want to ask, did you feel my baby's first movement, did you have so many hopes and dreams for this child, does every thought you have consume this baby, Did you hold my baby and see that it was a fully developed human being? Because if you had done any of these things, you would know that it was so much more than just a blob of cells.

I finally got over my fear of this book and reopened it and started reading it a few days ago. I love this book, I can relate to everything in it. I thought that everything I was going through was so abnormal. This book has helped me realize that all of the guilt and anger I'm feeling are completely normal. This book explains all the stages of grief a person (especially a mother) goes through. It is written from an LDS perspective, and talks about how our religion seems to expect us to handle our trials in stride. Because somebody always has it worse than us. But the author explains how everyone who bears testimony of trials is always after they have gotten through the trials. I would recommend this book to anyone who has ever had a miscarriage, still birth, or lost an infant.

Friday, July 1, 2011

I have kinda been putting off writing this post because I don't want to sound so negative, but I'm hoping by writing my feelings down will help me feel better.

This week has hit me so hard and it's only Wednesday. I think the numbness has worn off, and I'm experiencing all the pain of losing Tate again. Everything hurts so bad like I'm feeling it for the first time all over again. Every time I see anything that reminds me of him, Or I see a mother with her baby, or an expectant mother who is having a boy it kills me inside. I feel so robbed to have only had such a small amount of time with my baby. I only got to hold him for a few hours and I just don't see how its fair at all! I just want my baby back.

Everyone says that I'm handling it all so well and I'm so strong. The truth is I'm barely hanging on. I wish they could see inside of me, I'm falling apart. I feel like a part of me is missing and I'm putting on an act for everyone. I try so hard to pretend that I'm dealing with all of this pain. I try to pretend when people make comments to me that they are helping and not digging the knife deeper into my heart. Not a lot people know what its like to hold your baby and know that you have to give him up. I want to scream at some people who complain about being pregnant or about there babies. They have no idea what they have. I would give anything to have Tate back with me right now.

I had to get all of these feelings out of me. I've heard time is the best healer, I'm sure i'll be back to being positive in no time. I just needed to vent and stop pretending for a second.