Tates memorial ticker

Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Sunday, September 4, 2011

I thought I loved you then

Wes and I are celebrating our 2nd anniversary today. We were able to go to Las Vegas for the weekend with some friends. I posted pictures from when we were dating up til now!

Hiking in Zion National Park July 2009
The night we got engaged on top of the Dixie rock August 2009
Married September 4, 2009
Honeymoon Catalina Island
First anniversary and Sealing in the Oakland California Temple September 4, 2010

For our second anniversary we stayed at the Green Valley Ranch Resort. It was such a nice place! We loved every second we had there. We went shopping at the Primm, Nv outlet mall, and rode the buffalo bill roller coaster on Friday. We ate at the Cheesecake Factory and relaxed in the hot tub Friday night. On Saturday we went and did an early session at the Las Vegas temple, relaxed by the pool, and walked the strip! We had so much fun, it all ended too soon!
The back side of the Green Valley Ranch Resort.
Wes and I laying out by the pool
My gorgeous husband
The sand bottom filled saltwater pool at the resort
My cheesy smile as were checking out
We went and watched the 3D movie at the M&M factory called "I lost my M in Vegas"
The Las Vegas Temple. It was our first time being inside it. It is such a beautiful place! We are so grateful that our family is sealed together forever, and we know that we get to see our baby boy Tate again.

We have lived in six different houses/ apartments in 3 different states. Wes graduated from school. We found out we were expecting a baby. We had Tate and lost him. We've had ups and downs along the way. We have been through so much , One thing is always certain Our love will never change!

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Run 4 Reggie

A few weekends ago our friend Rachel Talbot told us about a 5k run that was being held at the Stahlei farms. The run was supporting still born babies and all the money that was raised was being donated to the baby unit at the Dixie Regional hospital to create more of the memory boxes like we received when we lost Tate. Our box means so much to us, and we were so grateful for the opportunity to support this good cause!

Paula (Wes' mom), Wes & I
The angel tree where we posted pics of our little angels that we lost.
My parents, Wes and Me
A close up of Tate's picture on the Angel tree

We love you Tate!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

I haven't had a chance to blog in a few weeks, because I have been working on some other projects. I had an experience a few weeks ago that I wanted to share.
Wes and I went to a family get together a few weeks ago, I was having a hard time from the beginning because hardly any of them said anything to us when we lost Tate and this was the first time that we had been to a family get together since losing our baby. I understand that its hard to know the right thing to say all the time when someone has lost someone they loved, so I don't really blame anyone. But it's very hard when our baby Tate was our whole world and we lost him so quickly, it's hard when people don't want to acknowledge the obvious. So I was at the family function and it seemed to me that people were avoiding talking to us. They would say a quick hello but it just didn't seem like normal. So Wes and I were quietly talking about just leaving and not staying for dinner, because we felt so extremely uncomfortable. Then one of my aunts came over and hugged me and told me that she hadn't gotten a chance to tell us how sorry she was about us losing Tate. I started crying because it's such an amazing feeling to know that someone understands the pain you're in. I'm sure she doesn't know the way that her saying just those few words helped me out that night but I am truly grateful that she showed us true compassion. We have had so many experiences with people just like this that have helped us with this grieving process in so many ways!

Monday, July 25, 2011

First of many letters to Tate

Dear Tate,
It's been two months since your dad and I said goodbye to you. These last eight weeks have been the hardest two months of my life so far. You taught us so much in the short time we had you here with us, and you're still teaching us so many things everyday. When I found out that I was expecting you I knew I loved you more than anything. I felt an instant bond with you. I could tell you had a personality already, just by watching you in the ultra sounds and feeling you wiggle inside me. I couldn't wait to meet you and get to know everything about you. I knew that you were a very special spirit of our heavenly fathers, and that he had a plan for you on this earth. I'm still learning everyday just how your life has influenced us. I'm trying to be patient with myself and all of the emotions that I experience as I try to let my heart heal. I miss you so much, but I understand that this is a part of Heavenly Fathers plan for us and we both agreed to this so long ago. I have felt your spirit near me at times and I know that you're watching over us! I feel like your helping your dad and me each day. You're a reminder to us of what we are working towards and what we need to be doing each day so that we can have you forever. I feel honored that heavenly father trusts us to be your parents. You're a perfect spirit and a perfect example to us. I am so grateful for the time we had with you and I am looking forward to the day that I see you again! I'll love you forever.

Love, Mommy

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Gone Too Soon

I recently started reading this book that my mom's visiting teacher gave to me. I started to read the first page the day she gave it to me, which was almost a month ago. I read the first two lines, which started out with a man making a comment to a women who had just lost her baby by saying you didn't even know the baby, he was just a blob of cells. I immediately started to cry and slammed the book shut. I get so tired of hearing people make stupid thoughtless comments. It hit way too close to home. To people who make these crazy comments, I want to ask, did you feel my baby's first movement, did you have so many hopes and dreams for this child, does every thought you have consume this baby, Did you hold my baby and see that it was a fully developed human being? Because if you had done any of these things, you would know that it was so much more than just a blob of cells.

I finally got over my fear of this book and reopened it and started reading it a few days ago. I love this book, I can relate to everything in it. I thought that everything I was going through was so abnormal. This book has helped me realize that all of the guilt and anger I'm feeling are completely normal. This book explains all the stages of grief a person (especially a mother) goes through. It is written from an LDS perspective, and talks about how our religion seems to expect us to handle our trials in stride. Because somebody always has it worse than us. But the author explains how everyone who bears testimony of trials is always after they have gotten through the trials. I would recommend this book to anyone who has ever had a miscarriage, still birth, or lost an infant.

Friday, July 1, 2011

I have kinda been putting off writing this post because I don't want to sound so negative, but I'm hoping by writing my feelings down will help me feel better.

This week has hit me so hard and it's only Wednesday. I think the numbness has worn off, and I'm experiencing all the pain of losing Tate again. Everything hurts so bad like I'm feeling it for the first time all over again. Every time I see anything that reminds me of him, Or I see a mother with her baby, or an expectant mother who is having a boy it kills me inside. I feel so robbed to have only had such a small amount of time with my baby. I only got to hold him for a few hours and I just don't see how its fair at all! I just want my baby back.

Everyone says that I'm handling it all so well and I'm so strong. The truth is I'm barely hanging on. I wish they could see inside of me, I'm falling apart. I feel like a part of me is missing and I'm putting on an act for everyone. I try so hard to pretend that I'm dealing with all of this pain. I try to pretend when people make comments to me that they are helping and not digging the knife deeper into my heart. Not a lot people know what its like to hold your baby and know that you have to give him up. I want to scream at some people who complain about being pregnant or about there babies. They have no idea what they have. I would give anything to have Tate back with me right now.

I had to get all of these feelings out of me. I've heard time is the best healer, I'm sure i'll be back to being positive in no time. I just needed to vent and stop pretending for a second.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Sharing my experience!

Since this experience with losing Tate I have turned to a lot of different places for comfort or understanding in all of this. One of these places was to reading other mother's blogs who had lost babies in a similar way to Tate. By reading these blogs I have come to have a different perspective of things, and I can see how sharing their feelings has helped them with their grieving process. I'm hoping I can open up and share my day to day feelings of how I'm coping with this experience, and gain the peace I need.

June 12, 2011

I’m sure some of you have heard about the loss of our little boy, I want to share the story of what happened because a lot of people have questions and this will help everyone who feels uncomfortable asking us, Tate is very much a part of our lives and we are very open to speaking about him.

June 11, 2011 was supposed to be a happy day, and it started out as one. Wes and I got up as normal and got ready for his brother Casey’s wedding. We went to their sealing at the St. George Temple. I think that was the perfect place for me to be before our world came crashing down. It helped reassure the knowledge that our family is forever, Tate is ours forever!

After the sealing and pictures, we went to the wedding luncheon. After the luncheon was over, Wes and I went home for a break between the luncheon and reception. I started to have some pain in my back and so we decided to lie down for an hour. Wes rubbed my back and I started to feel better. I got up to start getting ready at about 6 p.m. and I could just tell that something wasn’t right. I called my doctor and told him what was going on. I didn’t have any pain or bleeding I just knew that something wasn’t right. He told me that he thought I should go into the E.R. and just get everything checked out, and if things weren’t right they would call him and let him know.

We got to the E.R. at about 7 p.m. and they immediately got us in. I told them my symptoms and the nurse started checking for a heartbeat, she found one and it was 152!! We both started crying, we thought everything was going to be ok. Then the E.R. doctor came in, I told him my whole story over again, and he ordered a pelvic ultrasound. About half an hour later the ultrasound tech came and got me, and just took me alone and said Wes could just stay in the room. So she starts looking at the baby, and he was there. He looked perfect, but I could tell he wasn’t moving, I kept trying to tell myself that he was just sleeping. But in my heart I knew he was gone. The tech said that she needed to go get the radiologist because he was going to finish up with me. Then she came back about 10 minutes later and said she couldn’t find him. She came back and started looking at the baby again and tried measuring the heartbeat, and wasn’t getting one. She wasn’t saying anything to me though; she just kept measuring him and showing me his head and body. Then the E.R. doctor came back in and asked if she found a heart beat yet? She said “no”, and that was the first I had heard of it. I knew that she hadn’t but it’s the hardest thing in the world to hear that your baby is gone. I started crying and the doctor turned to me and said “I’m sorry but you’ve lost your baby”. I asked if I could see my husband. They walked me down the hallway back to my room, and there they had a stretcher and an EMT crew waiting outside in the hallway for me. I was so shocked that they had all of this waiting for me already. I didn’t even get to talk to Wes, but he had heard people out in the hall calling my Doctor, Dr. Chalmers and knew that things went wrong. I just looked at him and we could just feel each other’s pain.

They put me in the ambulance and rushed me over to Labor and Delivery hospital, I then found out that Dr. Chalmers would be meeting us there. Wes was able to ride over in the front of the ambulance. We got to the other hospital and they checked me in and hooked me up to an IV, took more blood and asked a lot of questions. It was about 9:30 p.m. and Wes had called his parents and mine and they showed up shortly after we arrived.

Dr. Chalmers showed up at about 10 p.m. and explained to us what had happened. He said that I have an Incompetent Cervix. It means that my cervix is weak, and once the baby starts to get bigger my cervix just kind of gives out. The baby started to go into the birth canal and the umbilical cord got kinked which cut off oxygen to him. It is such a hard thing to know that my body was the reason all of this happened.

They induced me and I delivered Tate Wesley Pettus at 1:18 a.m. June 12, 2011. He weighed 5.5 ounces and was 7.5 inches long. He was so perfect; he had ten fingers and ten toes. He had Wes’ nose and my lips and chin. We got to see him and hold him. The nurses took him after we held him for awhile and brought him back in a tiny cute yarn beanie and a little blue gown. They took his hand and feet prints and gave us a certificate with his name and stats on it.

We stayed overnight and left Sunday afternoon. We were referred by the hospital to McMillan Mortuary, they did everything for the services we had on Friday June 17, 2011. We were so grateful for all of their help and generosity. I have pictures from the services that I will hopefully put up soon.

Update on Tate's ultrasounds

Here is an update on pictures from Tate's ultrasounds.

I went for my 16 week ultra sound appointment on May 31st. We found out that we were having a boy!! Wes knew the whole time that we were having a boy, I didn’t care either way. I was so excited when I found out we were expecting a boy. Now I so badly want to have a boy next!

Tate at 16 weeks

I had my 12 week ultrasound April 29th. This was my first appointment with my new Doctor since we had moved back from Kansas, He wanted to do an ultrasound to make sure my due date was calculated correctly. The ultra sound went really good. I always was so amazed at how such a little person could change my world so much just by seeing him or feeling him. During this ultrasound I really felt a connection with Tate. He had grown and developed so much since the 10 week ultrasound.

Tate 12 weeks
Tate 12 weeks
Everything was going really good with Tate and with me at both check ups. He was perfectly healthy and growing so well. We never expected what would happen in the next 2 weeks.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Big updates

I haven't blogged in over two months and now I feel horrible because I have so much to catch up on.
Wes and I have moved back to Hurricane... We moved back on April 21st and 22nd. The company Wes was working for was finishing up the job in Hutchinson, and they were gonna be moving to King Fischer,OK. We had kinda had it with living in the mid west, and had started feeling like we needed to go back to Utah for some reason. Wes had been offered a job with Interstate Rock awhile back, and he called one of the owners to see if the offer was still available. It was, and we moved the next weekend! We love being back close to our family, and can kind of understand why we needed to be back here right now!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

First Sonogram!!

So yesterday we had our first ultrasound appointment! We were able to see the baby and hear the heart beat! It was such a fun experience. The baby was so wiggly and kept moving its arms and legs around so we couldn't get a very good picture! This one above is my favorite though! You can see the eyes and arms and legs the best! I thought I was 10 weeks and 3 days, but they measured the baby and figured out i'm really only 9 weeks and 3 days, So they pushed my due date a week! So now the baby is due November 19th!!! I was a little disappointed when they told me this, because I was thinking "I already went through week 9" lol But I guess I get to have the baby inside for a week longer! Everything went really good , and they said that the baby is healthy and the heart beat sounds really good!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Our weekend!

Our weekend was really good! It started on Friday when Wes got off work, I went to pick him up at the hotel where all of his coworkers live. He had forgotten his coat out at the job site and didn't want to leave it there all weekend! I had never driven out there, so I was pretty excited to go out and see where he works!
It was so pretty, I should have taken more pictures with my phone (it was the only camera I had with me) it was just one green field after the next! There were so many farmers out doing things in there fields; as we'd drive by they'd look up and wave at us! I felt like we were there neighbors! Wes has been telling me about this dead armadillo he see's every day while he's out working! I'd never seen an armadillo so it was interesting! It reminded me of the movie Rango, There is an armadillo that keeps trying to make it to the other side! I was a little nervous it was gonna jump and run! We've heard that there are possums all over out here too... haven't seen any of those little creatures yet though!

That evening Wes and our friend Adam Stuart went and helped the sister missionaries move to there new place, I stayed and visited with Kari and her two adorable boys! When the guys were done they came back to the Stuarts and we played hearts!
Saturday and Sunday morning and afternoon we watched and enjoyed General Conference! There were so many great messages! Its amazing to know that our Heavenly Father loves us enough to give us counsel through his living prophets today!

I have been craving Cafe Rio or Durango's so bad since I have been pregnant and in Kansas they do not believe in having those types of restaurants!!! My cravings have been so bad that I have dreamed about eating there! So I got a recipe from a friend for the Cafe Rio Chicken, lime rice, and Spicy tomatillo dressing! So Sunday I attempted to make all of it! The chicken and lime rice turned out good! But for some reason the dressing just tastes nothing like it! If any of you have a recipe for it that tastes just like the "real" thing! Please share!!! I still have more than a month til I can go back to Utah!

Easter crafts!!

I don't know if many of you know, but Wes and I live in a house with no furniture, just our bed, a little table and some folding chairs! We choose to live like this, so Wes can get his career started as a line man and it saves us money! The down side to living so simple is that I don't really get to decorate and make crafts like I use to enjoy doing!
I just got a calling as a visiting teacher! I was so excited because I have lots of free time! I don't have a job and since I've been pregnant I'm so grateful for that! So I had a little free time and I get the Woman's Day magazine and saw this cute little craft! I made on for my self, and one for the lady my partner and I visiting teach!
Follow this link to make your own Peep's sunflower!
I also wanted to make this cute spring time craft, but didn't have enough time to find wooden blocks!

Monday, March 28, 2011

Awful tooth infection!!!

So two weekends ago I started to have a small toothache on Friday night, I tried to be strong and not take any medicine for the baby's sake, but it started to get worse so I took Tylenol. That helped me get to sleep that night.
I woke up the next morning with the same amount of pain but had decided that I could get through it without taking medicine all day! We were going to the championship game for the njcaa that night, so i took a few Tylenol to get through the game. I figured that when we got home I'd be able to sleep just fine with the help of the medicine. But that was not the case... I tried falling asleep and the pain was just getting more and more intense. I tried everything putting heat on it, taking medicine, and nothing was working at all! So I finally gave in and called my mom! She gave me a few suggestions , which I was so grateful for! She also told me that she always had teeth issues when she was pregnant! I tried her suggestions but they were only giving me temporary relief! I think I ended up getting about 2 hours of sleep that whole night! I couldn't lay down at all or the pain became too severe. So I sat up all night!
Sunday morning I started looking for a dentist that would take me in as an emergency patient, and I found one that was in Wichita, (which is only about an hour away from us) So we scheduled the appointment with them, I was so relieved! Then half an hour later they called back and said that the assistant wouldn't be able to come in on such short notice so they couldn't get me in! It was the worst and I was so disappointed! So Sunday I spent the day pacing the house trying to find some relief for the pain I was in! It helped the pain if I was up walking around, so we went to the park and walked, which was nice. I was just dreading the night though!
Later that evening we took our friends some brownies for his birthday, and I could tell the pain was starting to set in again! So Wes and our friend Adam gave me a priesthood blessing (which wasn't the first I had received but it helped) and we went home! I took my Tylenol and put on the numbing cream! But this time nothing was working and the pain was increasing! I knew that I couldn't make it through the night like this! So we went to the E.R. The wait to get in was about and hour long and I finally saw the doctor whose first comment to me was "Oh you have such beautiful white teeth" I wanted to punch him, the last thing they were to me at that moment was beautiful! So he gave me an antibiotic and a little stronger dosage of Tylenol! I think the antibiotic helped drain out the infection, because I was able to sleep for about five hours that night.
The next morning I got into the dentist, apparently dentist in Kansas don't do root canals they send you out to specialist! They scheduled an appointment with a specialist for me for April 5th. I was so irritated with the receptionist because she acted like that appointment was SO soon! So I walked out and went and found a specialist that could get me in the next day. So I am doing much better now! I have one root canal and another appointment scheduled for this Thursday to get another one done! Not very much fun, but the relief is amazing!!!!!!
I think I have taken my teeth for granted, but not anymore! :)
I went to my first doctors appointment today! It was basically just a checkup to make sure I'm doing everything right, i.e: eating when I get hungry, taking my prenatal vitamins! I had some blood work done also, and I haven't heard back from the nurse so I assume that everything looks good! I'm so excited for my next appointment; we'll be able to have our first sonogram and hear the baby's heartbeat! That appointment won't be until April 18th! I'll be 10 weeks at that visit!

I've noticed a few changes since I hit my seven week mark, I get hungry more often (which I didn't think was even possible). If I don't eat the second I feel hungry then I get super nauseous, which is not a fun feeling!! I have become so tired lately too! I get about 10-12 hrs of sleep a night now that my tooth is feeling better! I get so tired with little activities , which Wes thinks is so funny, Like yesterday I vacuumed the whole house (which is only 4 total rooms) and after i was done I was telling him how tired I was ! He laughs and thinks it's so cute!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

I'm Pregnant

So I found out that I was pregnant on March 10th. Since my three week mark I had just been feeling "different"! It was still too early to tell by taking an at home pregnancy test, so I waited until I was almost 5 weeks along and I set up an appointment with a doctor. I was thinking of going in the following week, but they said that I needed to go in and have a blood test done so they would know what kind of appointment to set up! So I went in and had the blood work done and they called me back within that hour and said the test was positive!!! We are so happy! I have my first doctors appointment on Monday, so hopefully everything is going well with the baby and I'll be able to give a positive update!

Monday, February 21, 2011

About time for an update!!

Oh holy wow! I don't even really know where to start! I can't believe that I haven't posted since October!
Quite a bit has happened since then I'm just gonna go through every month since then, hopefully I don't leave anything out!

So Friday November 5, 2010 Wes graduated from Northwest Lineman College! It was so fun to see him climb the poles and change out all the wires and things. None of our family was able to come out and see him, but we had Cherise Haddock ( the women we lived with) and our home teachers Brother and Sister Rinehart. I was so happy to see them there! It made us feel so happy and loved!
The first part of the graduation ceremony was called a lineman rodeo where they had all of the students compete in speed competitions in changing out the parts of an electrical line. Then that same evening there was a more formal graduation ceremony. We had some great speakers and then all of the students received awards and diplomas!
Since neither of our families could make it out to California for Wes' graduation I decided to plan a surprise party with my mom for when we got back into Hurricane. So I told Wes that I was so excited to go home, so we had to leave really early! I had it all planned out so we could have like 2 hours of rest time the whole 12 hour drive! Wes had no idea that any of it was happening, and he kept wanting to stop and take his time, or stop and enjoy the view. And i kept trying to rush him along and kept telling him i was so excited to be home! I think at one point he was being suspicious and could tell that i was kinda hiding something from him, so he kept bugging me about why i wanted to get home so bad and I kinda slipped something about not wanting to be late! LOL We made it home exactly on time! Wes was kinda surprised but he knew something was going on! I was so happy with the way it all turned out! My mom did such a good job getting everything organized! We had lots of friends and family there and it was exciting to celebrate Wes' great achievement with graduating school!
The rest of November was a lot of frustration... Wes sent out resume after resume and would hear back from few, but most places just weren't hiring! He got a job in Andrews , TX we were so excited, so he drove down to start work and I stayed back in Hurricane to finish up my job and try to find us a place to live. Well he went to his first day of work and it turned out that the recruiting company who had hired him had not communicated and sent over his paperwork to the actual company he'd be working for. So in the end there was no job and we were kinda left with a mess! This was just the beginning ... Wes called the recruiting company Aerotek and they said they were gonna get him the next available job, and they'd reimburse us for all his travel expenses, pretty much made a lot of fake promises! So I would call them every week and try to find out the status on our money and it turned out they were telling us one lie after the next!!! I finally got through to a supervisor and 2 months later we actually got our money. We will never have anything to do with Aerotek again to say the least!

Pretty much revolved around turning in resumes after resume and getting ready for Christmas! Wes had applied for a storm chasing job in the middle of Kansas but we wouldn't be hearing back about it til the first of January! By this point we were both getting really discouraged, because it felt like every step we'd try and take in a new direction we'd get shoved down! I got a job at Fantastic Sam's doing hair, and Wes was working at the Pallet yard. One day at the end of December while Wes was at work he called me and told me that the Kansas job had called him and he was hired! My first reaction was pure panic!!! Kansas is so far away, and I didn't want it to turn out like the Texas job had! We thought a lot about it, and felt like it was the right job!

So Wes drove out to Hutchinson, Kansas! He started his job on January 11th 2011! I stayed back in Utah again to finish up working at Fantastic Sam's, my last day of work was the best! lol (I didn't really like working there). I had originally planned to come out to Kansas on the 28th of January, but one day I was having a really hard time being away from Wes, and I couldn't remember why we decided to wait for me to come out! So I had a garage sale the next day and sold pretty much everything we owned, what we didn't sale got given away to D.I. So I booked my ticket and I flew out on the 20th!
I had been out only 3 days and Wes called me from work saying that his boss had ran over his foot with his truck! So we got to go spend the day in the Emergency room waiting on x- rays!
It turned out that he had a small fracture on his Tibia bone. So the doctor gave him the week off of work and he had to wear a boot brace around for 2 weeks! I am very grateful that I was able to come out the week before, because I'm sure i would have been freaking out if i had not been here for the foot episode!
Things have been pretty interesting this month. The weather started warming up Wes has been able to get a full work week in! Valentines day was good! But Saturday we woke up and went to leave in our car and realized that 4 of the windows in our ford explorer had been shot out, And the back window was completely shot to smithereens! I guess that's the thing to do around here, shoot out windows in parked cars! I just hope they catch whoever is doing it! Its awful people would feel the need to vandalize like that!
I'm sure the rest of February is gonna be fantastic! We really like it here in Kansas and we are super grateful that Wes has a job!
I will not go as long next time trying to update the blog and hopefully next time I'll have some pictures of Kansas we can share!